I gotta break out

This might  not be the best blog post, I’m feeling pretty down today. I suffer from depression. Are you surprised? Sometimes it shocks people, because I can usually cover it, and go about public life in a fairly ‘normal’ way. This is because usually I can manage it ok with medication, but when I get really stressed or anxious I start to lose control. Today I was dealing with some netball club issues (I’m on the committee, and am the acting president) and the level of bitchiness and nastiness was really off the chain. So now I’m feeling like crap because of some hurtful emails that people have sent my way. 

Despite what people think about me, I do not like confrontation. I dread it. Because people judge me from what they see – tall, loud, wears outrageous clothes, they think that is how I must be all the time. They often mistake passion for anger. That is one of the biggest misconceptions, and it annoys me to no end. I am a very passionate person. Just because I raise my voice and seem like I care doesn’t mean I’m angry. I am extremely loyal and I care deeply for people around me. I resent that people think I’m angry. I’m actually a joker, I don’t like being angry, I love laughing, making jokes and making people happy!

Anyway, today I got that horrible feeling back that I’d managed to keep at bay for a couple of years. The feeling that I’m walking under a giant black cloud. A cloud that follows me everywhere. It sucks the life out of me, makes me frown, makes me not care about anything. It’s kind of like a dementor from Harry Potter. I can see no joy in my life, everything turns grey. I was wearing green & black today but I felt as if I was just black & grey all over. It’s a really strange feeling to try and explain. I was so sad, upset and grey that I didn’t eat lunch. For anyone who knows me, that is a really big deal. I love lunch. I love food. All the time. But no, I didn’t want lunch. Cos the bloody grey black cloud was making me feel like doing nothing. For the rest of the day I alternated between being distracted by my colleagues (laughing about silly things takes my mind off the cloud), and crying silently at my desk as more emails came through. As I am now terrified of my inbox I created a rule that hopefully makes all mean and nasty emails go to a special folder – I shall look at that when I’m feeling better and can handle it.

I left work early, because, let’s be honest, I was pretty useless and not doing much work. I went via the post office on the way home to pick-up a parcel, and was hoping that the post office dog was there. She wasn’t :-( It’s days like this that I really miss having a dog. Rob’s at work, I need company, and animals give you that support without asking questions. When we get back from Europe I’m going to get a dog. Speaking of dogs, I’m also currently scanning heaps of old photos of Moggy Dog. I’ve been meaning to do it ever since she passed earlier this year. I was lying on my bed after work, and knew that scanning photos would at least make me a little happy when looking at old photos. So here are a couple of photos of Mog to finish off this post on a positive note :-)

beck mog xmas 98

Me and Mog Christmas morning 1998

dane mog couch

My brother on the couch with Mog :-)

mog head chair

Beautiful Mog on her chair

xmas 97 family

I think I might take a day or two off work and netball to sort my head out

Reroy xx

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2 thoughts on “I gotta break out

  1. Cara says:

    Awww ♥ I’m not depressed thankfully but I know a few people who are (including my mum) so I understand how you feel to an extent and hope you’re ok!
    I can totally relate to the passion/anger thing though! People think I’m really angry all the time especially online but I’m just really, really passionate! While it’s kind of annoying at times, I kind of like how people refer to loud fits of passion as Cara Rage :P

  2. Paul says:

    Hey Angel! I suffered from severe depression for years. I was on antidepressants for five years and can’t really say what it was which enabled me to get med-free, except maybe just the blessings of God. Your blog is so wonderful and sincere. I have often described depression in the same words, a colorless world, where you can logically think of so many things wrong, but not a single reason to be happy, where you’re not attracted to anybody, and nothing has beauty. I’ll pray and hope that this passes for you, love. An unlikely thing has helped me: I’ve turned my attention to Peace. I’ve actually abandoned the pursuit of happiness, and just focused on peace. Happiness comes and goes like sunny days, but I can be peaceful when I’m sad, angry, scared, and happy. Since I’ve done this I’ve actually FOUND peace, and it follows me like a shadow. And, ironically, I’ve never been happier.

    Anyways, I’m a stranger but I love you, and want you to know that you’re not alone, and even if it’s not in sight, there is hope, and your wings will unfold in time. Until then, if we can’t be happy, just remain peaceful with me.

    – Paul

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